What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 13:29
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
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Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why do I sweat so much after shower?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Can relationship issues cause depression?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She found it foreign!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She married twice! .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other